A Diva's Guide to Menopause

Hello lovely readers. So, years ago for my sins I ran an organisation called The Hysterectomy Association. As you can imagine, my days were filled with questions about periods, menopause, and any number of women’s health issues. I originally started writing to fund the website, later as I learned more I started writing for fun. This was a short story I wrote and published but it never really took off, I think people thought it was a ‘self-help guide to menopause’.

Anyway, I came across it again so thought it might be fun to dust it off, gently edit it and share it here for your amusement while you wait for the bus, train, dental appointment, meeting or other event that requires a distraction!

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Daisy looked at the sheet of paper in front of her, pen clutched between her teeth as if to prevent it from exploding into a million little pieces.

Um.

Ah.

This wasn't going to be as easy as she first thought.

Her thoughts drifted off, wondering when she'd had her last cup of tea. It seemed imperative that she have another one, she couldn't possibly contemplate the task before her without one.

In for a penny in for a pound. Daisy looked thoughtful, I wonder when that phrase will no longer be used. It doesn't seem the same as saying in for a penny, in for a Euro.

She pushed herself back from her desk, closed the lid of her laptop partially and turned over the piece of paper she had just been reading.

Don't want anyone looking at that now do I, she murmured to herself as she headed to the office kitchen.

Daniel was in there already. 'Cup of Earl Grey was it honey?'

'You know how to charm a girl don't you. I love it when you talk dirty to me.'

'Just my natural charm and boyish good looks I suppose.' He grinned at her and she flashed him a smile back

If only he wasn't so gay she thought, he would be just my type.

The kettle came to the boil, pinged off and Daniel dropped an Earl Grey teabag into the nearest mug, added a largish dash of milk and then poured over water. Almost immediately he fished out the bag, dropped it in the recycling bin and handed her the 'too hot to handle' mug.

'Don't know how you can drink that muck it's just hot water and milk isn't it?'

'Well, you know me I like to ensure that there is nothing untoward between my teabag and the water.'

'Um, yes, well, I think I'll stick to builders’ style, I like to consider myself a real man u'know.'

Daisy laughed. 'Don’t you know they all do herbal these days?'

'I do actually.' He paused as if he was going to add to it, seemed to think better of it and continued. 'But I'll leave it there for now.' And with that was out of the door so fast she barely had time to form the question on her lips.

As she wandered back to her desk, her mind was taken by the thought of Daniel, with his Harry Potter mug containing a brew of the vilest, strongest tea known to man (or woman) kind and a ginormous burly builder drinking a delicate cup of chamomile sitting in bed. Wonders will never cease.

OK, she thought, this is it. I really will get my act together and start. She turned over the piece of paper and grabbed the pen she had casually slung on the desk.

Now, question 1; Do you suffer from hot flushes, flushing, night sweats and/or cold flushes, clammy feeling?

YES, she circled it confidently.

Do you have an irregular heartbeat?

NO. Oh, but wait a minute didn't I have a funny moment yesterday when I thought I was having a heart attack? Ohmigod, I'm going to die, YES/NO, oh maybe. The crossings out on the sheet of paper now looked like a drunken spider had made its way to bed via her desk.

OK, next question.

Do you suffer from irritability?

Her mind wandered back to the argument she'd had with Tom that morning. Was she really an overwhelming, selfish and hypocritical bitch? OK, so the answer has to be YES, but he did have it coming to him if he hadn't left the new loo roll on the floor instead of replacing it on the holder then she wouldn't have had to scream at him that she was the only one who ever did anything.

Do you suffer from mood swings and/or sudden tears?

Well, I think we can take that as a YES then can't we?

Do you have trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)?

YES, YES, YES, YES, YES. That was the problem, she wasn't sleeping at all, she was so tired all the time.

Do you suffer from irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles?

Daisy was frustrated, make your mind up, which one do you want, I can give you the litany on periods. Pondering the question, she wondered when she’d had her last period. Was it last month? Fishing out her diary she flipped through it until she found what she was looking for, pencil marks over the appropriate days. Good God, was it really that long ago?

Quickly she worked it back, 19th October today, 30th July was the last day she had bled, 80 days.

'Bloody hell.' She said it just loud enough to ensure that Maggie at the next desk looked up quizzically to find out what was going on. 'Sorry, just got a finger jammed in my laptop.' She pushed up the lid of the laptop as if to emphasise the point and hit the power button, she supposed she ought to look as if she were working at least.

So, where was I then? Ah, YES.

Have you experienced a loss of libido?

Daisy chewed the end of her pen with more ferocity. When was the last time she and Tom had had sex, and was it her fault? No, she thought, I still fancy him, still want it, I wonder if there is such a thing as a male menopause?

NO, she put a clear and definitive mark around the answer, she underlined it as well to emphasise the point.

Are you experiencing a dry vagina?

God, what was that supposed to mean, I don't think so, but how do I know if I don't know what it's about talking about? She turned to her laptop which had finally sorted itself out.

She decided to visit her favourite search engine. 'Dry Vagina' she typed it out carefully, making sure there were no spelling mistakes.

Hitting the enter button she was relieved to see the results come up on the screen

1. Vaginal Dryness Relief

2. Vaginal and vulval problems - Dry vagina

3. What can be done about a dry vagina?

4. Dry vagina

5. Your Vagina: Get To Know It Better

6. Atrophic Vaginitis (Vaginal Dryness)

7. Vaginal Dryness - Symptoms and Signs

8. Dry Vagina during menopause - comfrey, chickweed, motherwort and ...

9. Hot News from Dry-Vagina.com

10. Pain During Intercourse #1 site

11. Help for your Dry Vagina

Option 5 looked interesting, ‘Do, I want to get to know my vagina better? Well, maybe we should be slightly better acquainted than we currently are.’ |She thought. ‘Let's have a look then.’

‘Oh!’ She leaned back from the screen as a lurid image of a vagina flashed up in front of her. She quickly clicked back to the search results page.

As the laptop took its time moving back a page she started to wonder just how Cathy and Claire might have answered a question like that.

Dear Cathy and Claire, I am a 40-something single woman, who likes to have sex regularly, but I am being thwarted in my attempts due to a dry vagina. What do you think I should do? From Daisy.

'Dear Daisy, we think that at your age, you shouldn't be having sex anyway, as you are too old and ......'. The thought train stopped as the original results page came back up.

She chose another link one that looked a little less threatening, and waited with trepidation to see what appeared. Ah, that's better just plain text and a line drawing or two.

Oh, that's what it's all about then.

NO, she circled the answer on the questionnaire and simultaneously clicked back to the Company Home Page, there was no need for anyone else to know what she had been reading.

Am I too old for sex, should I still be doing it? She tried to remember what she had thought about her parents having sex and found the whole thing just too gruesome to visualise, and now she was the same age. I wonder if Mum ever had these thoughts? I must ask her when I see her on Sunday.

She peered at the next question on the list.

Do you suffer from excessive fatigue?

Is the Pope a catholic? Circling YES as she did so.

Next one,

Do you suffer from anxiety, dread, apprehension or doom?

Visions of Fraser in Dad's Army suddenly sprang to mind and wryly she realised that she was probably one of the few in the office who had seen the originals instead of the constant repeats.

She thought back over the last couple of weeks, remembering all the times she had complained to Tom, her best friend Jill and anyone else who would listen, that there was definitely something up, she just knew it, she could feel it.

Daisy wondered if this was what the question meant and was torn between the choice of Yes or No on the questionnaire.

I'll leave that one for now and come back to it. Immediately she was transported back to the big school hall remembering how she failed one of her Maths exams simply because she had failed to answer a single question because she kept on thinking 'I'll get back to that one in a minute'.

Hum, maybe she needed to do something about procrastination as it was obviously still a problem.

She decided to go with the tried and trusted method of the multiple guess questions - it was always answer B wasn't it?

Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No. Eventually, the pen crashed down on YES. Gosh, that's interesting; I wonder what Mr Freud would have to say about that she murmured to herself, earning another quizzical look from Maggie.

She glanced at the next question and stifled a giggle.

Do you have difficulty concentrating, disorientation or mental confusion?

Given how her mind had wandered around the Wrekin on the last question the answer had to be YES.

The next question was more worrying.

Do you suffer from disturbing memory lapses?

I can't remember. Hum, that's another YES then.

Daisy felt rather demoralised as her eyes slid down the list. A total of 9 Yes's out of 12 questions answered so far. Was there another 21 questions to go? She hadn't realised it would be so hard.

She sighed heavily and Maggie finally got up out of her chair.

'What's the matter with you then? You look like you've just had a wet weekend in Bognor.'

Daisy debated whether to come clean or brush it off. She chose the latter, she hadn't actually said how old she was and everyone assumed she was in her mid to late 30's, which did wonders for her confidence, but meant that she couldn't use Maggie as a sounding board right now.

'Nothing.' She lied. 'Just feeling a bit of a cold coming on and I can't muster any enthusiasm for the Woman's Secret account.'

'Um, I know what you mean.' Maggie rolled her eyes. 'I can't imagine how we're going to come up with a classy, yet sexy and appealing ad campaign for incontinence pads - I would never in my wildest dreams have imagined this would be the pinnacle of my career.'

They exchanged a smile.

'Do you fancy another cuppa?'

'Um, yes, please that would be lovely.' Daisy was honest enough to admit it would help distract her from the image of wearing those self-same incontinence pads.

Maggie got up and Daisy followed her to the tea room for the second time in less than an hour. That was the comforting thing about tea rooms, you could always find a friend to share a word or two, a joke or even a hug now and then, depending on how close the friend was, of course.

Two more mugs were retrieved, two tea bags (one Earl Grey, the other Typhoo) were placed neatly inside, the kettle came to the boil and they added milk, fishing out the bags as they did so.

They sat down at the small table specifically put there for the purpose.

'How do you think we should approach this campaign? We've got that meeting tomorrow and I haven't any ideas and I'm getting worried.’ Maggie confessed her concerns, although strictly speaking she was leading this campaign.

They always did that, took it in turns to take the lead. It was fairer and meant that they both had an equal chance of landing the promotions that never came.

'Well, it seems to me that we're only looking to hit a specific part of the market aren't we, those of a certain age, the women who read Woman's World or Women and Family generation. It can't be too difficult, weren't they all brought up on the original Esso Blue ad's?'

Maggie gave Daisy an odd look. 'What's Esso blue?'

Too late, Daisy realised she had just confessed she was older than she looked, she tried to laugh it off. 'Y'know dum, dum, dum dum esso blue.' She sang.

'Never heard of it.' Maggie stated categorically and then changed tack completely. ‘What about getting a couple of case studies together? D'you think anyone would admit to using these things?'

'I would imagine so; doesn't everyone want their fifteen minutes of fame?' Daisy looked thoughtful, imagining herself having to admit to the heinous crime herself, she shook her head to dispel the image and smiled at Maggie. 'I'll get on to a couple of charities, and see if they can help.'

Maggie stood in a single fluid movement and started for the door clutching her tea. 'Right, I'm off to have a quick fag outside, I'll see you in a minute. If anyone asks where I am tell them I'm in the loo.'

Daisy nodded and smiled at the thought that Maggie assumed everyone else in the office didn't know she was still smoking, despite her anti-smoking protestations. She shook her head, how amazing that smokers couldn’t smell the ciggie smoke like everyone else.

She stared into her mug and contemplated her life thus far. Forty-two years old, all her faculties still in place, reasonably fit, enjoyed herself outside of work, pretty good in the office - and in bed she added it for good measure! She always delivered her projects, even if they were occasionally late. I'm not too bad all things considered. Giving herself a mental pat on the back she picked up the now-empty mug and put it in the dishwasher.

Back at her desk, she turned back to the questionnaire.

Do you suffer from incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence?

Not yet, she thought, but it's obviously only a matter of time! - NO she circled.

Are you experiencing itchy, crawly skin?

NO. She definitely wasn’t

Do you suffer from aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons?

YES

Do you have increased tension in your muscles?

Stupid bloody question, of course, I do. I'm getting myself worked up into a right tiz answering this buggering questionnaire - YES

Do you suffer from breast tenderness?

She gave her bra strap a surreptitious ping and manoeuvred her upper chest a little to make everything more comfortable. Do I have any tenderness in that area? Well, I did when I was a teenager but I don't suppose that counts now does it? NO. She marked the paper and looked around to check no one had seen her adjusting herself. Only Daniel glanced up and winked at her, before looking back at his laptop. If only, she thought, I could really go for him, and he's the same age, it'd be perfect. Ah, well at least I have Tom.

Do you have headaches or have you experienced any change in headaches increasing or decreasing?

Only when Tom doesn't put the loo roll back on the holder. NO

Are you suffering from gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea

NO. She pulled a face. I'm a lady, I don't do farting .. often!

Are you experiencing sudden bouts of bloat?

Nothing a little probiotic can't help though as she added a circle around YES.

Are you feeling depressed or suffering from depression?

YES. At least I am now. I wasn't before Rose stuck her nose in and suggested this little questionnaire, 'just to clarify things.’

Daisy looked morosely down at the paper on the desk and then gazed out of the window onto the high street below. What was it about small towns? They all look alike.

At that moment, Maggie walked in looking like the cat that got the cream. 'You'll never guess who I just happened to bump into on the stairs?'

Daisy looked up, interested. 'Go on surprise me'.

'Non other than the great Mick Archer himself.' Maggie flushed, remembering how she had been when she did literally bump right into him, covering herself with hurried apologies, stumbling over her words as she had heard him mutter a quick 'No problem.' before heading for the door.

Mick Archer, thought Daisy, only the most eligible bachelor in the whole of Dorset. 'So when's he picking you up for the first date then Mags?' She queried, enjoying the look of discomfit on Maggie's face.

'You know he's not, he doesn't even know I exist.'

Maggie looked so downcast that Daisy felt guilty for asking the question until Maggie turned back to her computer and started tapping at its keys distractedly.

Daisy glanced at the paper in front of her. Flipping heck there’s still another 13 questions to go.

Have you experienced an exacerbation of any existing conditions?

Hum, I Don't think so, but wait a minute I have had a couple of spots recently, does that count? No, it’s probably not that insignificant so it must be a NO then.

Have you had an increase in allergies?

NO. Again

Have you experienced weight gain?

She thought guiltily of the two cream cakes she had eaten at lunchtime instead of bothering to get something healthy. Daisy hadn't weighed herself in months because she feared what the scales would reveal.

YES. Now that she marked it on the paper, it seemed to make it real and slowly she cast her mind back to the various items of clothing she had stopped wearing because they no longer felt so comfortable on her. There was no doubt about it she had gained weight, and she didn't feel better for it. In fact, she felt ungainly.

Have you experienced any hair loss, or thinning of the head, pubic, or whole body; or have you experienced an increase in facial hair?

Ohmigod, I'm going to get a moustache and a beard now and all my hair will fall out. Daisy's hair was her crowning glory. Full, thick and chestnut-coloured, it flowed down to her shoulders in a wave and was key to her favourite piece of harmless flirting - the hair flick. It would be a disaster if it all fell out - but let's not worry too much just yet she thought and circled NO.

Do you experience any dizziness, lightheadedness or episodes of loss of balance.

Well yes, of course I do, most Saturdays. Oh, and Friday's come to that. She suddenly realised that the question didn't refer to her favourite occupation, partying and answered NO.

Have you experienced any changes in body odour?

What? The question stunned her. Do I smell now, am I going to smell like my grandma? Oh no, I'll never get into bed with a man again. She slowly manoeuvred her arm upwards just a little whilst inclining her head to the right. Taking a deep breath in through her nose. She couldn’t smell anything except Cool Water. That's OK, it’s a definite NO.

Do you experience any electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head?

Only when I'm touched in a certain place she thought to herself with a small smile at the memory of the last time that had happened to her.

Ummmmmmm, that's nice. Oh, no problem with a dry vagina then she noted!

Do you experience any tingling in the extremities?

She thought hard, biting down on her lower lip as she did so. It must be the same as the previous question.

Oh! that's nice again as she remembered another recent time when that part of her had been touched. 'I'm just going to the loo' she told no one in particular, getting up and going to sort herself out.

She sat down on the chair in the ladies thoughtfully provided by management and tried to recompose herself wondering what the hell she was doing answering this bloody questionnaire. It had seemed like a good idea to talk about her concerns with Rose, it was just unfortunate that Rose seemed to take her responsibility as big sister far too seriously and had done a load of research culminating in the email containing the questions.

Standing up, Daisy ran her hands under the cold tap to calm herself down. This is what it must be like for men when they're told to have a cold shower! She laughed.

As she returned to her desk she caught sight of the next question.

Do you suffer from gum problems or increased bleeding?

Feeling quite pleased she marked a NO confidently.

What about a burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odour?

Only after a Friday night party she thought, as she remembered last Saturday's antics in the high street.

Looking down she noticed that there were only three questions to go and skimmed over them quickly deciding whether she should be honest or not.

Do you suffer from osteoporosis?

Good God, not only am I going to smell, wear incontinence pads and never have an orgasm again, I'm also going to shrink - where's all the fun in this then? But at least the answer is NO for the time being.

Have you experienced any changes in fingernails are they softer, do they crack or break more easily?

Only when the acrylics come off so maybe it’s time to stop going for her favourite red varnish. Daisy screwed up her nose, she might try coming into work tomorrow in the nice little twin-set Mum bought her last Christmas which was still in the wrapper it had come in.

Suddenly she had a quick mental image of herself in a tweed skirt, glasses, twin-set and pearls, baking cakes for the church fete. Fortunately, the whole thing seemed so ludicrous that she started laughing. She choked, trying to hold it all back, but couldn't and started hiccuping.

As she composed herself, she looked down at the sheet and was pleased to see she had finally reached the last question.

Do you suffer from tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, 'whooshing,' buzzing etc?

Like I keep saying only when I've been out the night before! By this time she was laughing so loudly that other people in the open-plan office were starting to notice. Maggie and Daniel were eyeing her speculatively as she waved them away.

Let them think I'm slightly mad. I am anyway she thought as she reached into her vast designer handbag to grab a handful of paper tissues kept for emergencies.

She lifted the bottle of water she kept on her desk and took a long slow drink, her breathing stilled and she slowly brought herself back.

God, it's good to laugh she thought.

Idly she totalled up the scores.

Hum, 14 Yes answers and 19 NO.

Yes, Yes, Yes that's great, I'm not going mad after all.

Relieved she folded the questionnaire and popped it back in her bag with the intention of talking to her sister in no uncertain terms that night.

'Right, Mags, I've got an idea for tomorrow’s meeting .....'

The End

(Image by yousafbhutta from Pixabay)