Reducing the classics. There is a claim that there are only seven possible stories and a handful of archetypes to work with. This may be why, much modern writing is a retelling of older, classic tales. From Shakespeare to Austin, their stories have been retold many times, in different settings, genres, and eras. One of my favourites is Tamara Drewe by Posy Simmonds. It’s based on Thomas Hardy’s 1874 novel, Far from the Madding Crowd.
But .... dramatic pause there ... did you get that?
Her dad hated my dad after the fire in the warehouse.
Natch, her mum then blanked my mum at the school gates when they picked us up.
But crunch time came when they bought exactly the same make and model Range Rover my dad had just picked up. Same colour too. No wonder the knives were out that morning.
We couldn't have picked a 'better' time to tell them I was pregnant.
OMG, fireworks - more like a flipping nuke going off.
His mum accused me of 'setting out to catch him and that I'd never be good enough with a family like mine'.
My mum rammed her car. Yep really! Police had to be called and everything.
It was a right laugh.
Well, not really, but what else can you do when you've got two mad mothers on the loose, each determined to kill the other?
We sneaked off while all the fuss was going on. Needed to get somewhere quiet and decide what to do next.
Eloping seemed like a good idea. Gretna Green was mentioned, don't know if it was me or him.
Anyway, we did the next best thing. Got engaged, sent them a photo with a blurry background so they didn't know where we were. Ditched the phones, changed our names and Bob's your uncle here we are ten years on with our Chloe. She's a darling, thinks her grandparents are all dead.
Definitely not a soap opera...it has a happy ending. No-one lives happy ever after in soap-land...unless, unless, Chloe grows up, finds out she was lied to, seeks out her grand-folk, who are now..... ????
“Look. If you want to be CEO, you need to listen to me. I know your harpies down at the health spa have ‘promised’ you it will happen, but what do they know about business? Husband. Listen. You married me for a reason, and it wasn’t because just because of my pale skin, dark hair, etc etc. I’m smarter than you and we both know it. So shut up and listen. This is what you need to do: you need to take out the opposition.
Yeah. I know, it goes against the grain, but are you a man or a haggis? Don’t fret about the kids. They’ll be fine. Social Services’ll sort them out after their Dad’s lost everything.
You’re on the ladder now. Just keep climbing. Knives? Back-stabbing? Oh, come on. How did they get where they are? Do you believe in all this divine right stuff…go back to the fortune teller, buy some more heather. And when that doesn’t work, come back and talk about this strategy document.
Yes, there’ll be a bit of blood, but we can handle that. You want this Company? Then let’s get serious.”
~
She was always persuasive. That was the real reason he’d married her. Then she was ambitious, to the point he couldn’t see the boundary between her ambition and his own, so he went along. To prove a point as much as anything.
And somewhere along the line it got out of hand. She fell apart on him. Nightmares and stuff. And how could he follow the plan and look after her at the same time? And his own dreams weren’t great to be honest. Ghosts at the office party. Strange messages in the fortune cookies. The whole reforesting of the highlands thing went against him. When the election came around…the final hustings…he wasn’t sure he’d survive.
So the play is obvious...still my favourite despite having done it to death at O-level and seen many adaptations over the years. If I had to rewrite it, I'd set it in the commercial world - I'm sure that's already been done too - I just don't know where (let me know).
If I was going to make it uniquely mine... then the Witches and the Lady would win....that would take a whole other re-write, which I might just go away and do.!
I loved Shakespeare at school - we did the Scottish play for O-level, and Harry 5 and Ant & Cleo for A-level. Looking back, I think it was because we had such a brilliant teacher. (Thank you Mr Potter & so sorry I didn't appreciate it at the time). He took us to the theatre to see a play we weren't even studying, because hearing the language would make it easier for us to understand it when we read it, and to see cinematic productions of things we were so that we could 'get the plot'. If you find it hard to read the Bard, and I still do, I would say go see a play. Accept that you'll maybe miss what's going on for the first 15 minutes while you get your ear in.... Or, you know, just accept: too many books, too little time, and read the things you do like!
Thanks Lesley - a lot of Shakespeare has been reinvented for films, so why don’t you give this one a go? It was very clever and I particularly love the reforesting of the highlands bit. I was in an awful production of Macbeth many years ago, and like Lady M, I got nightmares too.
I've never managed to get past the first two or three pages of any Virginia Woolf book so well done for getting as far as you did Kate. And how about that, being nice to each other, now there's a challenge!
Thanks Kate - I thought you were heading down a ‘Five go mad in the Lighthouse’ route at the beginning - now there’s a thought - but I liked your piece. Like you, I’ve only read one Virginia Woolf novel and when I got to the end I was still waiting for something to happen. If that’s the definition of a Philistine, then I’m happy to join you. 🙂
Thanks for the heads up Kate - never watched TOWIE either, but people like Joey Essex and Gemma Collins appear on panel shows like 8 out of Ten Cats or Have I Got News For You. I actually watched a couple of TOWIE clips on YouTube to get into the rhythm and mode of the programme's speech. Have read a lot of Agatha Christie too - what's your favourite story?
It all starts when me and my sister Jane go down China Whites in Southend. It’s fancy-dress night, we’ve both had wax and tans, and we look pretty hot. A well-buff guy called Charlie comes up and asks what we’re drinking and Jane goes ‘Prosecco’.
Soon Charlie’s like ‘Wanna dance babe?’ and she’s like ‘yeah’. I go ‘You crack on hun’ and they’re off. He dances like a Thunderbirds puppet but Jane’s a silly mare at times and she’s living her best life so she don’t notice.
Meanwhile, I’m stuck with his bestie Fitz, who’s really fit with banging tatts but omigod is he up himself? He looks at me like I’m something he’s stepped in when I ask him if he likes dancing and the cheeky sod don’t even reply - mugs me right off. He’s bang out of order so I goes to the bar to do some shots.
That’s when I meets Wickie - he’s come as a soldier and I like men in uniform. Over a few Flaming Sambucas turns out he used to work for Fitz’s dad but got sacked just ‘cos he tried to cop off with Fitz’s sister - no redundancy or nothing. Even though Fitz is minted - some big spa place in Derbyshire - seems he’s a right lemon and no one likes him.
Wickie and I get on so well I reckon I’m sorted for the night and ready to go with the flow but then he goes toilet and when I sees him again half hour later I’m well jel ‘cos he’s only playing tonsil hockey with some gel dressed as Kylie.
For a couple of months, Charlie and Jane are an item - living at his gaff, so I’m like ‘Juno what hun, he proper fancies you - it could be happy ever after’.
We hang out a lot with Charlie’s family, but I’m not gonna lie, apart from him they’re not my sort. Fitz is always there too, and much as I like his bod (especially when he gets out of a swimming pool) he don’t half give it the big I am. If he was chocolate, he’d eat himself.
In between, I get proposed to by some numpty of an accountant with clammy hands called Billy. Mum’s delighted - she’s mad for getting us married off and wants me to say yes but Dad’s on my side ‘cos needy Billy’s a right melt and I turn him down. Three weeks later he’s shacked up with one of my old mates called Charlotte playing happy families. Omigod - poor cow must have been desperate.
Then Charlie dumps Jane and she’s well gutted. Turns out Fitz has gone ‘Bro - her family are a hundred percent gold digging scrotes - let her go’ and like a wuss he’s listened! I’m like ‘Forget him hun - you’re too good for him’ so we go home and I take her out to get bladdered.
Fitz must be a stalker, ‘cos he still turns up everywhere I go and tries to hit on me. So I turns round and tells him to swivel - that ‘cos of Jane and Wickie I don’t want nothing more to do with him. He argues but I’m like ‘Talk to the hand’. I even switch off the location on my mobile.
But then he starts texting don’t he? Proper long ones too - no emojis or nothing - saying he was out of order with Jane but Wickie’s a total no-mark ‘cos his sister was only thirteen when he tried it on. Hmm.
Two months later I’m on a gels’ hen weekend at his spa place in Derbyshire and Fitz turns up. But this time he’s like really friendly and we hang out a bit with his sister Georgie - who’s a total babe. I also meets his aunt Cathy but she’s a right cow. But his place - not gonna lie, it’s totes amazeballs - I didn’t know he was mega-minted. Maybe I’ve got him wrong.
Long story short, he helps out when Wickie gets my baby sister up the duff. Mum and Dad go mental, but Fitz pays for the wedding, even buys them a house and stuff. Charlie comes back on the scene and he’s like totally into Jane again and when they get engaged Fitz asks me to make it a double celebration.
Playing it cool, I’m like ‘Whatever’. Not being funny or nothing, but he’s got a fortune so the least I can do is help him spend it.
I was a boy. She was a girl. So far so obvs.
But .... dramatic pause there ... did you get that?
Her dad hated my dad after the fire in the warehouse.
Natch, her mum then blanked my mum at the school gates when they picked us up.
But crunch time came when they bought exactly the same make and model Range Rover my dad had just picked up. Same colour too. No wonder the knives were out that morning.
We couldn't have picked a 'better' time to tell them I was pregnant.
OMG, fireworks - more like a flipping nuke going off.
His mum accused me of 'setting out to catch him and that I'd never be good enough with a family like mine'.
My mum rammed her car. Yep really! Police had to be called and everything.
It was a right laugh.
Well, not really, but what else can you do when you've got two mad mothers on the loose, each determined to kill the other?
We sneaked off while all the fuss was going on. Needed to get somewhere quiet and decide what to do next.
Eloping seemed like a good idea. Gretna Green was mentioned, don't know if it was me or him.
Anyway, we did the next best thing. Got engaged, sent them a photo with a blurry background so they didn't know where we were. Ditched the phones, changed our names and Bob's your uncle here we are ten years on with our Chloe. She's a darling, thinks her grandparents are all dead.
Thanks Linda - looks like Shakespeare missed a trick with this one. Should be a soap episode...
Ooooh, now there's an idea Iain .. ;-)
Definitely not a soap opera...it has a happy ending. No-one lives happy ever after in soap-land...unless, unless, Chloe grows up, finds out she was lied to, seeks out her grand-folk, who are now..... ????
It's a different kind of Romeo and Juliet .... Happy ending, sort of :-)
“Look. If you want to be CEO, you need to listen to me. I know your harpies down at the health spa have ‘promised’ you it will happen, but what do they know about business? Husband. Listen. You married me for a reason, and it wasn’t because just because of my pale skin, dark hair, etc etc. I’m smarter than you and we both know it. So shut up and listen. This is what you need to do: you need to take out the opposition.
Yeah. I know, it goes against the grain, but are you a man or a haggis? Don’t fret about the kids. They’ll be fine. Social Services’ll sort them out after their Dad’s lost everything.
You’re on the ladder now. Just keep climbing. Knives? Back-stabbing? Oh, come on. How did they get where they are? Do you believe in all this divine right stuff…go back to the fortune teller, buy some more heather. And when that doesn’t work, come back and talk about this strategy document.
Yes, there’ll be a bit of blood, but we can handle that. You want this Company? Then let’s get serious.”
~
She was always persuasive. That was the real reason he’d married her. Then she was ambitious, to the point he couldn’t see the boundary between her ambition and his own, so he went along. To prove a point as much as anything.
And somewhere along the line it got out of hand. She fell apart on him. Nightmares and stuff. And how could he follow the plan and look after her at the same time? And his own dreams weren’t great to be honest. Ghosts at the office party. Strange messages in the fortune cookies. The whole reforesting of the highlands thing went against him. When the election came around…the final hustings…he wasn’t sure he’d survive.
~ ~ ~ ~
A man or a haggis ... just such a wonderful image I have in my head right now Lesley.
So the play is obvious...still my favourite despite having done it to death at O-level and seen many adaptations over the years. If I had to rewrite it, I'd set it in the commercial world - I'm sure that's already been done too - I just don't know where (let me know).
If I was going to make it uniquely mine... then the Witches and the Lady would win....that would take a whole other re-write, which I might just go away and do.!
Thanks Linda, had fun with this one.
As Iain says, it deserves a good rewrite and why not have the witches and lady winning?
Hi Kate - have you seen Romeo and Juliet with Claire Danes and Leonardo Di Caprio? Baz Luhrmann’s the director and it’s very accessible.
See how different we all are! That's the very thing that would put me off. ;)
I loved Shakespeare at school - we did the Scottish play for O-level, and Harry 5 and Ant & Cleo for A-level. Looking back, I think it was because we had such a brilliant teacher. (Thank you Mr Potter & so sorry I didn't appreciate it at the time). He took us to the theatre to see a play we weren't even studying, because hearing the language would make it easier for us to understand it when we read it, and to see cinematic productions of things we were so that we could 'get the plot'. If you find it hard to read the Bard, and I still do, I would say go see a play. Accept that you'll maybe miss what's going on for the first 15 minutes while you get your ear in.... Or, you know, just accept: too many books, too little time, and read the things you do like!
Thanks Lesley - a lot of Shakespeare has been reinvented for films, so why don’t you give this one a go? It was very clever and I particularly love the reforesting of the highlands bit. I was in an awful production of Macbeth many years ago, and like Lady M, I got nightmares too.
I used to quite like a Barbara Cartland - a bit of fantasy and escapism ;-)
I've never managed to get past the first two or three pages of any Virginia Woolf book so well done for getting as far as you did Kate. And how about that, being nice to each other, now there's a challenge!
I'm sure she'd laugh heartily and tell us we just didn't 'get it'!
Oh dear, so laughing heartily wasn't in her nature then ... oops!
Thanks Kate - I thought you were heading down a ‘Five go mad in the Lighthouse’ route at the beginning - now there’s a thought - but I liked your piece. Like you, I’ve only read one Virginia Woolf novel and when I got to the end I was still waiting for something to happen. If that’s the definition of a Philistine, then I’m happy to join you. 🙂
Hi Kate
My effort at reducing the classics was based on Pride and Prejudice, reimagined taking place in the world of The Only Way is Essex (or TOWIE)
Fun to write, but as a huge Jane Austen fan, I know she would turn in her grave!
Iain
Thanks for the heads up Kate - never watched TOWIE either, but people like Joey Essex and Gemma Collins appear on panel shows like 8 out of Ten Cats or Have I Got News For You. I actually watched a couple of TOWIE clips on YouTube to get into the rhythm and mode of the programme's speech. Have read a lot of Agatha Christie too - what's your favourite story?
Austen in TOWIE
It all starts when me and my sister Jane go down China Whites in Southend. It’s fancy-dress night, we’ve both had wax and tans, and we look pretty hot. A well-buff guy called Charlie comes up and asks what we’re drinking and Jane goes ‘Prosecco’.
Soon Charlie’s like ‘Wanna dance babe?’ and she’s like ‘yeah’. I go ‘You crack on hun’ and they’re off. He dances like a Thunderbirds puppet but Jane’s a silly mare at times and she’s living her best life so she don’t notice.
Meanwhile, I’m stuck with his bestie Fitz, who’s really fit with banging tatts but omigod is he up himself? He looks at me like I’m something he’s stepped in when I ask him if he likes dancing and the cheeky sod don’t even reply - mugs me right off. He’s bang out of order so I goes to the bar to do some shots.
That’s when I meets Wickie - he’s come as a soldier and I like men in uniform. Over a few Flaming Sambucas turns out he used to work for Fitz’s dad but got sacked just ‘cos he tried to cop off with Fitz’s sister - no redundancy or nothing. Even though Fitz is minted - some big spa place in Derbyshire - seems he’s a right lemon and no one likes him.
Wickie and I get on so well I reckon I’m sorted for the night and ready to go with the flow but then he goes toilet and when I sees him again half hour later I’m well jel ‘cos he’s only playing tonsil hockey with some gel dressed as Kylie.
For a couple of months, Charlie and Jane are an item - living at his gaff, so I’m like ‘Juno what hun, he proper fancies you - it could be happy ever after’.
We hang out a lot with Charlie’s family, but I’m not gonna lie, apart from him they’re not my sort. Fitz is always there too, and much as I like his bod (especially when he gets out of a swimming pool) he don’t half give it the big I am. If he was chocolate, he’d eat himself.
In between, I get proposed to by some numpty of an accountant with clammy hands called Billy. Mum’s delighted - she’s mad for getting us married off and wants me to say yes but Dad’s on my side ‘cos needy Billy’s a right melt and I turn him down. Three weeks later he’s shacked up with one of my old mates called Charlotte playing happy families. Omigod - poor cow must have been desperate.
Then Charlie dumps Jane and she’s well gutted. Turns out Fitz has gone ‘Bro - her family are a hundred percent gold digging scrotes - let her go’ and like a wuss he’s listened! I’m like ‘Forget him hun - you’re too good for him’ so we go home and I take her out to get bladdered.
Fitz must be a stalker, ‘cos he still turns up everywhere I go and tries to hit on me. So I turns round and tells him to swivel - that ‘cos of Jane and Wickie I don’t want nothing more to do with him. He argues but I’m like ‘Talk to the hand’. I even switch off the location on my mobile.
But then he starts texting don’t he? Proper long ones too - no emojis or nothing - saying he was out of order with Jane but Wickie’s a total no-mark ‘cos his sister was only thirteen when he tried it on. Hmm.
Two months later I’m on a gels’ hen weekend at his spa place in Derbyshire and Fitz turns up. But this time he’s like really friendly and we hang out a bit with his sister Georgie - who’s a total babe. I also meets his aunt Cathy but she’s a right cow. But his place - not gonna lie, it’s totes amazeballs - I didn’t know he was mega-minted. Maybe I’ve got him wrong.
Long story short, he helps out when Wickie gets my baby sister up the duff. Mum and Dad go mental, but Fitz pays for the wedding, even buys them a house and stuff. Charlie comes back on the scene and he’s like totally into Jane again and when they get engaged Fitz asks me to make it a double celebration.
Playing it cool, I’m like ‘Whatever’. Not being funny or nothing, but he’s got a fortune so the least I can do is help him spend it.
Jane would love it!
It's well good Iain!
Enjoyed reading that... and if it makes you feel any better I have never read any Virginia Woolf.